easyHotel – Oktogon, Budapest

I am having great difficulty deciding whether or not easyHotel, the hotel chain off shoot of easyJet, is more like an upmarket prison or the type of standard quarters humans would be assigned if they were evacuating Earth aboard a hastily designed spacecraft. For all intensive purposes let’s say the fleeing bipeds would retreat to their Spacecraft Quarters and Universal Abode shelTers (SQUAT). Let’s make an analysis based on the facts…

 The fact that easyHotel has windows at all puts it in the SQUAT column but they are so small that they actually look like portals from Vostok 1. I tried to force them open further but I was scared I would smash them open leaving a gaping hole, so they looked more like the Challenger … after of course. So windows that only so much that they are not worth opening at all sounds like a spacecraft to me. Just to encourage that space age feel the blinds are approximately 4cm to short in width to block out the light completely so a star generated laser beam slices your retinas in two rendering sleep impossible as the Sun comes up.

Verdict – SQUAT

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No sleep for you!

The bed linen is definitely standard prison issue sourced from whichever store liquidates old IKEA stock. Each inmate, or ‘guest’, gets one pillow, one duvet and one bed sheet.

Verdict – Prison

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Standard issue #64581

I was impressed that easyHotel and gone to great lengths to resurrect Louis Braille from the dead just to make the crucial colour scheme decision for the wall paneling. It reminds me of when you get a tea bag and splash it on a piece of white paper as a kid to make it look old – in this instance it just looks shit … and old. Prison walls are concrete so it is easy to see which column gets a tick here though I did consider trying to rip off one of the panels to stop light coming through the portal.

Verdict – SQUAT

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Thanks Louis!

easyHotel has no free wifi, it does however have it available for 2 euro for 2 hours – while this system is like all hotels 10 years ago the fact that even the feeding troughs run by the World Famous Magical Clown have it now would make easyHotel seem incredibly cheap.  Clearly they don’t see access to information as a necessity – like any good prison system knows, if inmates don’t know what they are missing out on they will be more content with being there.

Verdict – Prison

Design flaws of the prefabricated bathroom are impressively numerous, they include a shower space just small enough so that unless you are a Fraggle (yay got a Fraggle reference in) the shower curtain will certainly stick to some part of your body while showering. The shower head doesn’t move at all so you cant ever escape the attack of the shower curtain. You also can’t escape the thought that the shower curtains aren’t part of the regular cleaning cycle and that someone else’s genitals were stuck to the same bits that yours were. easyHotel did add a touch of luxury to the bathroom by adding not one but two hooks! Unfortunately these were not strong enough for me to hang myself from which would lead one to mistakenly believe that a tick for the prison box is coming. The only reason the standard prefabricated bathroom gets into the spacecraft category is because I could probably smash my fist through it. Basic knowledge of prison engineering will tell you that the ability to create sharp shards of plastic which could be use to shiv fellow inmates to death is a known as a ‘design flaw’ and un-prison like.

Verdict – SQUAT

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Shiv-o-licious

No cupboards, no shelves just one iPad sized bedside bench. On the wall however there is one hanger and three more hooks – easyHotel must have got a great deal on hooks. Unless you only packed four things your … everything … ends up all over the floor. This starkness really feels like prison, I keep getting the impression that at anytime an easyHotel employee can burst in looking for contraband like happiness or regret, they can kick over my mattress and then give me a look that says, “Maybe next time…”.

Verdict – Prison

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Captain Hook camouflage.

I don’t know if the air conditioning works or not. I have it on the highest fan level and the lowest temperature and I don’t feel cool let alone cold, I don’t even need the duvet at night, if i do try and snuggle into it I get too hot. easyHotel has found some magical temperature that renders the brain’s sensory perception of temperature inoperable. I mean there is an air conditioning vent – but I can’t feel anything coming out of it, a homeless guy exhaling with ice in his mouth would produce more cool air; then again there is a noise like air conditioning?!?

Verdict – Undecided

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For decoration only.

1 * Real full length mirror, though you are too embarrassed to look at yourself in it.

Verdict – SQUAT

1 * Television that you can’t use unless you pay extra to get the remote – I decided to play ‘Inmate’ and see if I had hidden it up my own arse, sadly I hadn’t.

Verdict – Prison

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Want to watch a postage stamp?!

The staff are really friendly and very cute. When you stumble into the foyer drunk you might like to flirt with them, maybe invite them back to your room, then you realise that you are staying at easyHotel and no one wants to come back to your room, not you and especially not the staff who already probably look down on you for staying there in the first place.

Verdict – 1/2 point for people not wanting to visit you there like Prison, 1/2 point for being able to leave the room/cell like a SQUAT

Towels are the commodity of easyHotel, like cigarettes or the new 19 year old car thief is in prison, they are very valuable and you receive only one for your whole stay unless you pay more money. After three days I started using the duvet as a towel which works surprising well, fortunately you don’t have to pay for extra toilet paper otherwise the duvet would find itself with a tertiary purpose also. The bath mat however requires a wake – after four days as a bath mat and a mop for cleaning up little dribbles of urine, and with no ability to dry it I really feel for the poor bastard that had to pick it up when we left, hopefully they washed their hands with fire.

Verdict – Prison

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easyHotel biohazard material.

The floor of the room is coloured concrete with bits of shit in it so you don’t slip and die, this is a blessing as I would hate for the last thing anyone ever sees on this planet to be an easyHotel room.

Verdict – Prison

Finally tally:

Prison 6.5 and SQUAT 5.5


The food at the local pub is so good that it is like making love to someone you care about … and not having to worry about how good you are at it.

Editor

The food at the local pub…